errr . i feel so exhausted ; & while sitting here listening to Almost by Tamia. .
"How can one miss what she's never had; How could I reminisce when there is no past"
honestly I'm loving this song; and it just makes me think about some things. it's really
..... sigh* let's leave it alone. I'm just urgh, sitting on the phone. Thinking about people
and different things; my mind is just everywhere ; & I don't know what to think about her right now.
Jan 29, 2009
5:54 PM
Forever speaking the truth.
Oh I needed this!!
sry but you had your chance...
whew; let's turn that mariah carey up a little higher...
Oh I needed this!!
sry but you had your chance...
whew; let's turn that mariah carey up a little higher...
I'll be back to finish this post in a moment. My heads starting to kill me again! :(
2:27 AM
so maybe it's a self conscious thing. maybe the headaches only sticks around when I'm worried about something. maybe she causes them by all the confusion. so many maybe's & not enough "i know for sure!". everything seemed fine when i woke up from my dream yesterday morning. once again i felt at peace; dreaming of my dream girl =). when i finally got up out of the bed ; my head instantly started hurting.... I can't blame being confused on that particular time. As I walked from the bathroom back to bed, my head started pounding even harder. The pain started so suddenly & so strong; I felt so distraught. As the left side of my head throbbed, I silently wished I had remained laying down. I just laid there in bed, wondering what was going on with me. Finally got up enough strength to get up and grab my laptop. // [you'd think i ran for the bottle of advil, no sir!] // which is so odd for me, but i suppose I didn't run for the meds because I've been popping carelessly each and every time I have a headache, migraine, or cramps. I toughed out the pain for several more hours before my niece & I took our behinds to the great outdoors to shovel all that damn snow before my bro came home from work. Being outside in the fresh air; there was a slight relief, but as soon as I came inside the left side of my head started throbbing again. Whats going on with me??! This is nuts! I decided, maybe it's still bothering me because I haven't ate yet & it was 4 in the afternoon. So I grabbed one of the sausages, my sister in law cooked. For a quick 10 minutes while I bragged about eating a sausage to my ex on the phone my headache seemed to ease up a bit. Or at least I think it did, but now that I think about it. I complained to her that my head was still killing me. Nothing seemed to help, and not being able to speak to her* all day kinda made it worst I guess. //[ well i lied; i could have called ; but i didn't ]// & until around 12am, this morning I hadn't been able to speak to her*. I'm not complaining though ; I wish we'd speak more throughout the days but I'm fine with it; it's odd. . . Cause usually I'm not. Maybe this is something that's changed since my "maturity" stage. & no it's not because I just don't feel the same about her, that I did the rest; cause she's amazing. & with that being said I think I'll go converse with her until it's night night time. Even though it's a quarter to 3 in the morning. why the hell am I still up? mm well I did this new blog theme. Hope you all enjoy it as much as I do. I think it's cute. I racked my brain trying to come up with something. less is more
Jan 28, 2009
6:30 PM
ok so i have a quick poem that i wrote. & is goes a little something like this:
everyday i wake up & my first thought is of her
as i laid in my bed ; i imagined her leaning over me with a smile on her face.
looking into her eyes itself; made me want to smile
as she leaned in closer and her lips gently touched mine
all worries of the world floated far from my mind
she's an angel who must have escaped from heaven
but how did God let her get away.
everytime she graces my dreams with her presence
I find every excuse why I shouldn't remain awake
her presence lingers in the air even when she isn't near
day dreaming of her warm embrace
& imaging the softness of her voice whenever she whispers my name...
stronger than any drug .
damn i think i'm in love
when will i finally meet the girl from my dreams
I've already fallen for her Essence
yup well hope you enjoyed it . my head has been killing me since I got out of bed this morning; literally feels like the headache from hell. =( i think i need the girl from my dreams to grace me with her presence. I could use a smile right about now. Side note again; my lil buddy THORO is sick; can anyone guess why? See, when you mix waterfalls similar to Niagra, with Canada's freezing winter weather. Give it a day or two and you've got the flu. Aww poor thing. You're moms going to catch you now sweetie. You had better front like you've never felt better.
& OH Ally-baba I see you're blog site now.
You hoochie; I'm loving your banner. SO JEALOUS;
I'm adding you to the list!
either i'm going crazy or dinner smells wonderful!
I'm going downstairs; later days!
Jan 27, 2009
9:09 PM
It's a little weird, having conversations about things after the fact. Like, why does it take us so long to address things when inevitably we know we're going to have to. Just a random thought.
Anyway; I'm here listening to this hot song ; called "bossy ladies" it's reggae. I'm really loving it though.
"whatchu think? Ima stay home alone ;
crying a river while you're in the ah roam;
get your act together; or you'll get my busy tone.
Miss independent I can make it on my own!
What about how I needed you ; you always complain you got some shit to do.
Now we're through; You need to take a review ;
While another woman is here replacing you."
---// think you're the boss ; guess what you're not not not not not not ! ----
crying a river while you're in the ah roam;
get your act together; or you'll get my busy tone.
Miss independent I can make it on my own!
What about how I needed you ; you always complain you got some shit to do.
Now we're through; You need to take a review ;
While another woman is here replacing you."
---// think you're the boss ; guess what you're not not not not not not ! ----
on a side freakin note last night ms. THORO, was rolling a blunt in the backyard
while sitting on a water pipe; Home girl BROKE the water pipe in her backyard ;
& literally got soaked ; she got up and went inside like nothing ever happened....
Today now, her mom went in the backyard and see's the HUGE ICE MOUNTAIN
[trying not to laugh]... See, when she broke it, she just went inside and went to bed
like nothing ever happened. Didn't tell her mom anything. Her mom called the ppl
to come fix the pipe today, when they arrived they laughed at her cause there was no
way they could fix it; due to all the ice. Thoro is trying her hardest not to laugh, and not
to get caught for the horrible thing she's done. While her mom suspects she had something
to do with her water line being busted open. & here is proof of this non sense..
2:17 PM
woot woot . so im kinda hyper.... AGAIN.
I was so hyper last night ; & I don't even know what it is ...
I'm just extra happy in general. High off life!! ---- cause I haven't smoked since
New years, I kinda miss it but jeesh. I only feel for it once I'm feeling stressed or annoyed.
Hmm I disabled my embedding video codes on youtube.
So go to http://www.youtube.com/iremainunknown to see what I did last night
lmao . ENJOY hoochies. love ya. Maybe I'll be back later with a poem.
I gotta get to a book store, and get some books to study. --- so between studying &
beginning training on monday. I'll be a bit busy.... I'll check in though. & keep up with
my friends overe there ===> [leave a comment; i'll holler]
Jan 26, 2009
8:11 PM
Studio shoots available [$220]
- studio ; [2 backgrounds]
- 3 hours
- unlimited wardrobe changes
- photographer
- make up
- [female models can be arranged]
Jan 25, 2009
8:34 PM
Sometimes we lose focus of what's really important in life. At times we lose our way; forget what direction we were traveling in. Put our goals and needs on the backburner. Especially when it comes to caring about someone in our lives. At this point in time in my life, I've learned to keep focus no matter how difficult it is.
At times I find myself procrastinating because I don't want to deal with the issue at hand. Whether it have a positive or negative outcome. . . The important things in life are the little things that keep you smiling. The things that you know you can count on to be there at the end of the day no matter what your circumstances are. How we missed this, so many times before it's hard to say. How I woke up this morning after only sleeping for 3½ hours and still felt refreshed and well rested. Why I had that silly smile on my face with no other explanation... These are the little things that matter. I don't care for all that extra stuff. I care about my work, my education, & how we make each other feel. So as I put off procrastinating on studying & taking my work seriously. I quit procrastinating on being all that I can be, for the both of us.
It's so easy for us forget that there are people that are out there routing for you especially when the people you think should be the one's that care the most are the ones that break you down. I understand that at times it may be difficult with dealing with our own emotions, but now that I have a better understanding of what it is exactly that I'm striving for; I'm here. & regardless if they like it or not I'm here to stay. Any and everything that is required to make things succeed will be preformed no questions asked no hesitations.
6:42 AM
Who, what, when, why and where.
How did this happen!? Gosh. I'm going crazy. Proposition out the window. My head is elsewhere.
I kinda forgot that I was supposed to be studying some stuff ;
& getting prepared for my refresher course. yet its 7 in the morning
i haven't slept ; i haven't touched any text books & we're still finding things to discuss.
i appreciate having real friends like this.
goodnight or morning ;
Jan 23, 2009
10:12 PM
so i've been given a proposition ; & it is.....
"come march & neither of us are settled down let's explore
our options together" hmm ..... i'll be back to finish my thought
after i finish the conversation.
4:02 PM
wheeew. if you know me very well. you know i have potential to be a ginuwine groupie lmao. its kinda sad; but in all honesty i love the man. with a fcked up name like elgin lumpkin and all that talent ; everytime i hear his voice ; whether its old or new. it hits me ; touches much soul. so im like playing around listening to some ginuwine songs today. & like HOLY when i say i heard, good for nothing ; and his voice through the verses just took me away on a cloud . oh jeez lemme stop . . . . now im listening to all my old school music . THANKS blank* ; now i feel impaired and cannot leave the computer. What am I to do. . . . well my laptop will be here when I get back. & shiit i think i may just bring my laptop with me! haha. *kisses teeth* both of my ipods are missing; thats some shit. . . . later days!
Jan 22, 2009
1:00 PM
I like to think I'm a pretty fair person when it comes to my needs; and associating them along with another individuals. Sometimes things just don't work out the way we want them to at all times. I'm about to start ranting ; so if you don't want to know about it ; don't read it.
I used to talk to this female, who happened to be really jealous when it came to me getting attention from other people. In the beginning it was cute. Making sure it was known that we had something going on to the public... That's how it always starts huh? Being Cute. Well, as you can probably guess, it stopped being cute, and got to the point where she was always coming at me sideways for being complimented by different people. She used to go crazy at me when other people tried to get at me; although I paid these other individuals no mind. So it came to a point where I was like forget it, I can't help that people show interest in me. I do the right and respectful thing by not responding to it; or shoo'ing it away. What more do you want? Stop taking photos, stop making videos, stop being attractive? Sorry it's not happening so cut your losses. I'm out.
So, we've had ackward conversations onces in a blue moon ever since, and I addressed it today. We apologized for making each other upset. We spoke about the feelings, and the thoughts we were both having at the time. & that conversation ended with well... "I miss you... I miss US". I don't mean to roll my eyes, but my first reaction was "I miss you too". Then I rolled my eyes, because I knew where she was headed with that statement. So am I wrong for letting her know that I'm not looking for anything right now; I'm busy trying to take care of my shit, & I'm investing all my time and energy into handling my shit & achieving my goals? How would me telling her, "yeah I miss you, & us, let's get back to it" be fair? For one it's not the truth because in all honesty, dispite her apology for her acting out, and apology doesn't mean she's changed. An apology doesn't secure the future. You can miss someone without wanting to be with them.
If my intentions are to invest all of my time and energy into building myself up. How would it be fair to string an individual along side of me? So I guess you should already know that she went off, "Keep your focus then. Whatever Bye." Along with a whole bunch of other shit; that was totally unneccessary. I'm just saying. I wouldn't want to be the female on the side coming second to anything. & I'm not about to put anyone in that situation when I can avoid it. What's with people rushing shit lately. I mean, I know the script a little too well. I know how the story ends. Sorry to sparing feelings... I don't see how I hurt her feelings while trying to spare them. I didn't tell her. "chill, I'd never take it there with you again" so why is she trippin'. It's all well and good that you have your shit sorted out; can I get mines please. Like wtf!? So... maybe I should say fuck being fair! Should I allow you to jump in full fledge, knowing I'm not going to be around? C'mon now, let's be real. There is nothing in between the lines. Stop trying to find subliminal messsages. I said what was right for me. If you want to jump into shit blind eye again. Be my guest, but it's not happening with me.
Speaking of fair, having you slander my name and tell me I wasn't shit, and I was never there for you, wouldn't be fair to me either. So btch jump off my back & move on if you want to play these little children games. ---- Anyways, I gotta get back to this project. You can leave your comments --> [in the cbox] let me know if I'm being fair or no.
Labels: fair, jealousy, rant, relationships
Jan 21, 2009
1:06 AM
give me the bright lights ; long nights !!
ok so funny shit . . . . watch 'em
^^jumping jacks FAIL
^^iron vs cell phone FAIL
^^AMBULANCE --- FAILED
ok so funny shit . . . . watch 'em
^^jumping jacks FAIL
^^iron vs cell phone FAIL
^^AMBULANCE --- FAILED
Jan 20, 2009
8:57 PM
I know that maybe I shouldn't come off so cold hearted. I cannot and will not be the one to call back and sympathise with her. I believe in old sayings such as; "you reap what you sew". So why do I feel bad that she probably caught feelings over me saying I dred receiving her phone calls. The truth is the truth. Why should I sugarcoat it. She was never a person that built me up, yet she called herself my partner. Yet I feel bad for possibly hurting her feelings... eek!
12:21 AM
see there it is.... that ungrateful shit
what more do you want ; how much more do you need
what more do you want ; how much more do you need
so i've decided to fall back once again; why concern yourself with people who show you they don't want your concern; no matter how much they may need it at the time. but oh well. I'll read your signals & keep it moving. I guess I'm done being a good friend to you. Sucks, but you don't care either way. goodnight world! for real this time!
Jan 19, 2009
11:50 PM
so i've totally been missing action for a few days. Had a few things
to take care of. Took a few days for me, handled some business. & I'm
back. I feel okay. I'm not sure how long I'm BACK for, but hopefully for
a while. I have no plans on up and disappearing for a while but you know
what it's like. Who remembers to blog EVERYDAY! lol I do, as long as I
don't have a million and one other things to take care of.
Anywhooo... I'm looking forward to handling some more business this week.
Some in which I'm nervous, but thats always present when dealing with
business deals. The worst they can say is no, right? Then we move on to the
next. I'm being so vague. I know. I'm sorry. Hmm let me tell you something
thats been on my mind. Something that I came across yesterday while watching/
catching up with season 2 of gossip girl. take care of yourself rather than catering to people who
in all actuality doesn't deserve shit. IF YOU ASK ME. --- lol but my opinion wasn't
asked. oh well. So my lesson of the day is....
Put you first. Think about you. Love you. take care of you. No one's issues should
matter more to you; than you. It's nice to help others, but when you suffer from it
how does that make life fair? It's not...
sigh.
so right now im listening a whole bunch of Ginuwine songs. ----&& If you know me at
all; you know I LOVE GINUWINE!
& just as i go to wrap up my blog i get a phone call ; that kind of irritates me.
yay for me! goodnight world.
Jan 15, 2009
11:40 AM
sister girl, friend! this movie did it for me... always ; always always; when you feel like you can either relate to something or someone. kinda the same way i get about music... Each album, each song, each scene, each struggle. Being educated, and knowing that someone else somewhere faces the same issues and helps you to overcome it, by providing the resources to fix what needs to be fixed. [lets deep breath out] ---Something about it; touched me. Brought me back to how to deal with issues, how to go about struggles, such as the relationship I have with my mother. whoa. I'm not sure where I'm going with this, & that's probably the reason why I don't video blog. I guess I just wanted to put that out there... If ever, you feel alone. Don't. There are people there for you; I'm here.On another note; eeeek my hair feels so oily, & my face so greasy. & as the lighting in my room allows me to see my own reflection in my laptop screen, and I see those bags forming underneath my eyes. I know I need to spend more time pampering myself. So off to wash my hair & have a bubble bath I go. talk to yall soon
[good niiiiiiiiiiiiight; im so exhausted !
but happy. i get my third tattoo on sunday ; another free tattoo ; life is great when you look like me apparently] lol . im talking the most rubish right now ; but seriously it's free cause im "pretty" apparently. I hope he doesn't do many girls' tattoo, he might go out of business. lol Losing money, cause you won't charge the pretty ones. haha ; im excited but goodnight . ima listen to my music and drift away.
Jan 14, 2009
11:15 PM
I've noticed that humans are very selfish. I mean it's no surprise, I've known that for a very long time, but I feel like if I don't go out of my way to disrupt anyones life and happiness. Why do people feel the need to do it to me. So at 10:56pm, I get a call from an unknown number. Wishful thinking, that it was going to be my manager. I was speaking with him earlier and our call got disconnected. ---- Oh hold up. I think I'm going to be sick to my stomach!
[5 minutes later] Ok sorry for the false alarm. Anyways, let me continue while I sit here sipping on my lemon tea. Anyway, so the call comes in and I pick up, and I hear a voice, asking to speak to me. I do confirm that it is me on the other end of the phone and I proceed to ask who the person is. 50% sure, that I recognized the voice. She identifies herself. *duh duh Duhhh* My lovely ex, [lol]. URGH, so I proceed to ask what it is that she wanted and why was she calling me, and she bursted out "So what you don't want me to call you anymore?" -- Wait hold up, hold up, hold up. I am NOT the one, not tonight. Not ever. Lose it. Wait do you remember what happened the last time we spoke? I remember clearly, you got irritated because I asked you for something that was rightfully mine, and you hung up the phone on me. Excuse me for cutting my loses and washing my hands of you, because I do not like to be around or involve myself with selfish beings. Why, why is it an issue that I don't want to talk to you anymore. Is it because weeks ago we spoke about a possibility about getting back together. You ever, forget why you cannot be with someone, and then you chill with them and it's all good. Then you chill with them another time, and you're like OH WAIT. I remember why it's totally impossible for me to be happy with this individual. Well thats what I kinda encountered. I knew why I left her. I knew what my issues with her were. As we sat on the phone for hours at a time at night, she was all about talking about how much she's changed and grown as an individual. Whew, PRAISE GOD! -- oh hold up, don't get too excited. Then I chilled with her, and I was like OH HELL NAH! Bitch please, I am totally not interested anymore. All those little things that I used to hate still exist. Talking about something and being about something is two totally different things. So, because I slowed down on the phone calls.
Took time away from calling and going out with the individual, it became an issue. Which is normal and is fine because I didn't communicate my issue. I just kind of pulled myself away from it. So her concern was, "I thought you wanted to be with me". I was like well, you know I have to think about certain things. There are issues that I still have with you, and being around you made that more apparent. "Oh so you were just talking shit, then got me back to thinking that we could be together, and now my feelings are here and you're running". Ok, if thats the case then i apologize, but there are two people that have to go through this. You're not alone. I have my issues as well. ---- oh whatever, anyways it comes down to, I called the individual one day last week asking them for the money they owed me, because I needed it. This girl, got all high and mighty and rude, for no reason, said what she said and hung up the phone on me.
Okay so the old me would have had an issue with that and called her right back and cussed her til thy kingdom come. However, I didn't. I just made a decision for myself. I don't need selfish people around me. I'll cut my loses over the money she owes me and just call it quits.--- Which brings up to tonight. Calling me all up in my ear, Well why.... why cant u answer me, why can't you tell me. Just tell me if you're still considering being with me. Well Bitch if you'd shut the fuck up I'd be able to answer your question. & No, I don't think you're right for me. CLICK. hung up in my ear again. *smh @ this broad*
Ok so I started this blog at exactly that point. When she hung up in my ear. I turn on the kettle, to make some tea cause I was starting to feel sick to my stomach. [turns out, that each time i've stressed lately, i start to feel sick in the pit of my stomach, then i umm... yeah the rest is yucky]
So I'm sitting around and the phone rings again. "Sorry, I just didn't like that you said that, but I'm sorry". UH HUH!... so what else can i do for you why are you still calling. "Well, can we atleast be friends"... What I want to know is, if I don't want to be around someone cause they're selfish, what makes you think I'ma make an exception for a friendship. Like honestly. learn to leave me alone. I've left you alone, and I didn't raise my voice and cuss you out. I could have, and done so very nicely might I add, but I treated you with more respect. Why is it so hard for people to treat others with the same respect that they're given.
So moral of the story, don't answer blocked calls, cause it's probably your ex. & don't be selfish around me cause you will be eliminated. & in the midst of be finishing this blog Foxxxy's crazy ass sent me this photo. OMG i nearly pissed my pants . What kinda hot messssss lmaoooooo oh jeez. Let me wipe my tears.
http://i40.tinypic.com/28vqgzr.jpg
Jan 13, 2009
9:52 PM
i bring that sexy back; MEOW
go head; work tha pussy cat.
Missy's punchlines do nada more than satisfy me
wheew ; this remix makes me ultra hyper
maybe its the beat ... shoot it doesnt even matter
get your sexy on!
umm so weird thing, i crave salads instead of junk food; & meat is a turn off to me. EVEN CHICKEN. lol no surprise to the meat thing; i remember when I gave up meat for a year while i was 17. mmmm SEAFOOD; but i dont even know if i can stand to eat that right now either. Mmmm salad it is . ---- so unordinary for me & im no where near starting the master cleanse. I think I like this road to the new me.
2:01 PM
. . . sometimes i hear old songs that ; make me feel so .... so sexual. songs that make me want to move or just lifts my spirits. dear lord ! so i was watching a youtube video ; and in the video, the person was talking about another individual being on the down low ; which made me think of r. kelly & the isley brothers whew; tell you i changed windows so quick & hit up my ares ultra to listen to the song... haha "you want me but; she needs you" my my my, goodness, i'm feeling so so so, SO so so good right now & i have no explanation. ENJOY LIFE! It's too short to constantly be down or stressing. I'm glad I took a few days to myself to figure out what was neccessary for MY needs.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Npt-_LYfVsY
as for updates: I'll be jumping back onto the master cleanse starting next week.
I did it once last year, and I think I stuck by it for a week, so I'ma do the full
10 days thing, and post about my updates and how im doing each day; along
with my regular blogs.
Jan 12, 2009
10:11 AM
b.scott on closure.
i so love this guy.
Jan 11, 2009
5:44 PM
okay so this post is being named ain't that funny for the main fact that i find certain things about people kind of humorous. I can be the nicest individual you've met & I can also be a total bitch about things. Today was a day that I took to myself to think and ponder things a little more, to come to my final plan of action on how to finally take control of my life and stop getting so caught up caring about how other people live theirs... So I loved her, a lot actually, the different ways that she hurt me. Then tried to come back into my life... Ain't that funny. Like JLo said. "Baby that you want me when you had me ; Love is crazy" Isn't it though? You can spend large amounts of time trying to explain yourself and try to compensate what you did to me, and how you made me feel; with what you were going through but at the end of the day. I got hurt. Not you, you're probably hurting cause you lost a good girl. Someone who infact loved you and cared about you, & even though you were doing wrong. Still stuck it out cause she wanted to see you do better. But enough is enough. Although I was the one thinking about it, I was the one who brought up the subject once upon a time, because the love I had for her ran so deep. Why should someone in their right mind, forget all the things you put me through. I can love you with every ounce of my body and soul, but honey, I love me more. so baby girl, NEXT.
Ain't that funny, that I feel like I have to act a certain way to get attention from a certain individual? Ain't that funny, that if I don't initiate communication with an individual, I don't hear from 'em. *slight smirk* What I've learned is, if I say I'm going to do something. Go ahead and do it, other peoples feelings do matter, but at the end of all of that. They worry about their feelings and their issues more than mine. Which is fine cause if you don't look out for you, who will? Exactly my point so I'm just going to continue taking it one day at a time. Loving me, and looking out for my own best interest. & stop worrying about all these other issues that I have no control over. That's just life. Shit happens. Who knows maybe it'll be another situation where I can bump JLo and giggle. Singing Ain't that funny. ----- Until next post...
Ain't that funny, that I feel like I have to act a certain way to get attention from a certain individual? Ain't that funny, that if I don't initiate communication with an individual, I don't hear from 'em. *slight smirk* What I've learned is, if I say I'm going to do something. Go ahead and do it, other peoples feelings do matter, but at the end of all of that. They worry about their feelings and their issues more than mine. Which is fine cause if you don't look out for you, who will? Exactly my point so I'm just going to continue taking it one day at a time. Loving me, and looking out for my own best interest. & stop worrying about all these other issues that I have no control over. That's just life. Shit happens. Who knows maybe it'll be another situation where I can bump JLo and giggle. Singing Ain't that funny. ----- Until next post...
see ya later!
Jan 10, 2009
9:36 AM
Last night I felt like I was in a such a slump. This morning I woke up feeling a little better. I'm up early this saturday morning because I have to get my day started . I have a meeting @ 12 and a photo shoot to work at from 4-9pm. 2009 is about getting mines. I'm going to start being happy; and living life to the fullest. I can't continue to stress over things that are out of my control or reach. It wouldn't make sense to do that. So here I am. Doing the last bit of finishing touches on my charts and organizing things. I'm about to jump in the shower and get ready in a couple of moments.
much love.
Illest
Jan 9, 2009
2:01 PM
my guilty pleasure i ain't goin no where
baby long as you're here i’ll be floating on air
cause you're my you can be a sweet dream
or a beautiful nightmare either way i,
don't wanna wake up from you
Too fast, too fast. & I keep telling myself
to slow down & stop getting ahead of myself.
urgh I think I'm going to be sick again.
---- goodnight.
baby long as you're here i’ll be floating on air
cause you're my you can be a sweet dream
or a beautiful nightmare either way i,
don't wanna wake up from you
Too fast, too fast. & I keep telling myself
to slow down & stop getting ahead of myself.
urgh I think I'm going to be sick again.
---- goodnight.
3:11 AM
How could this possibly be? Is this what she means by she's been tossing and turning all night. I've been so uncomfortable, and my mind has been in such a frenzy. I finally roll over hoping to at least see 6 o'clock. Hoping some sort of significant time has gone by; but why is it ONLY 3:10. So I've literally been tossing and turning for the past 3 hours. This is going to be an extra long night. & Thus far I haven't confided in anyone else but her. I don't really want to bring my issue to someone else. How did this happen. I wasn't even in full compliance with what has been happening to me. It feels like it happened over night, but I know better than to think something like that. So as I still listen to the same lyrics that I've been listening to since 11pm last night. I lay here with a million thoughts on my mind. I can't take this. I think I'ma just head to the living room & play video games until I fall asleep on the couch. My bed isn't my friend. & I want to call her so bad but I don't want to interrupt her sleep; just in case she IS in fact sleeping tonight. I think I'm going to make myself sick, I can literally feel it building in the pit of my stomach.
to anyone that knows me; knows I've never been a fan of Beyonce; but I gave her a chance; with this song & maybe I love it cause i feel like i can relate but it's beautiful. Lol, maybe I will give that album a listen once more. Don't let me down B.
Oh lookie here; Sunlight seems to shine on Beyonce's face. How did I skip over this album? Was my dislike for her so strong? I remember being asked if I liked this album & my response was "I don't like Beyonce, she's annoying". I still think she's annoying at times. I just happen to like the following songs off her most recent albums.
- Disappear ***
- Halo *****
- Broken hearted girl ****
- Scared of lonely ****
- Radio ****
- Sweet Dreams *****
- Video Phone ****
- Smash Into You **
Jan 8, 2009
10:07 PM
I Love Her
even though it hurts to admit it
& i couldn't tell you why
even though it hurts to admit it
& i couldn't tell you why
5:39 PM
They never seize to amaze me. I totally have an issue when people want to do things on their own time disregarding the fact that I'm human and I need my shit too. Is that the only reason you're calling? Well, bitch you owe me something, what else do I need from you? Business before pleasure. We can start being cool when you want to give me my shit. You want to cry whine and beg every other day. Today you want to feel enpowered. Go ahead do you. At the end of the day I don't care about your situation cause you've expressed that you don't give a shit about mines. Humans, FEMALES never seize to amaze me.
Put up or Give up.
& with that said. I'm done. Completely, with everyone and everything negative. You talk the most shit about how you care and you have your little hidden agenda. COOL. I'm not even worrying about it. Just do me a favor and keep your distance. You don't want me to blow up. Thats the last thing people want to see. Is "posh" go back to the "brat" days. I will be the first to let you know those days of ruthless actions aren't cool. & At the same time I don't think it's fair that I let a less important individual determine what I do or how I act. So fuck you. This is me, not putting up with it anymore. I'ma take the easy way out. Don't call me, I'm done calling you. My circle know who they are. I'll love yall forever. All the other females and get the stepping. I'm not the one.
Put up or Give up.
& with that said. I'm done. Completely, with everyone and everything negative. You talk the most shit about how you care and you have your little hidden agenda. COOL. I'm not even worrying about it. Just do me a favor and keep your distance. You don't want me to blow up. Thats the last thing people want to see. Is "posh" go back to the "brat" days. I will be the first to let you know those days of ruthless actions aren't cool. & At the same time I don't think it's fair that I let a less important individual determine what I do or how I act. So fuck you. This is me, not putting up with it anymore. I'ma take the easy way out. Don't call me, I'm done calling you. My circle know who they are. I'll love yall forever. All the other females and get the stepping. I'm not the one.
- iLLest
12:33 AM
Put up or Give Up.
& thats just life; sometimes you gotta
put up with something regardless if you
like it or not ; & sometimes you just gotta
keep it moving ; so follow the slogan.
it is what it is.
[peace]
Jan 7, 2009
5:13 PM
aujourd'hui n'était pas une bonne journée.
non seulement que je suis tellement fatigué mais
J'avais rencontré des personnes très rude aujourd'hui.
Parfois J'ai une l' attitude horrible aussi et aujourd'hui
Tous personnes qui ont m'a déçu avais reçu.
Je détese les humains
haha
ewww my french grammar sucks but it's better than nada.
I guess there was a reason why my mother put me in french
immersion since kindergarten. blah. someone come cheer me up
non seulement que je suis tellement fatigué mais
J'avais rencontré des personnes très rude aujourd'hui.
Parfois J'ai une l' attitude horrible aussi et aujourd'hui
Tous personnes qui ont m'a déçu avais reçu.
Je détese les humains
haha
ewww my french grammar sucks but it's better than nada.
I guess there was a reason why my mother put me in french
immersion since kindergarten. blah. someone come cheer me up
on another note urgh what did i get myself into?
i've never been a spiteful person & yet i stooped to her level of
immaturity so that i could have a quick laugh too. well, it was
kind of funny; but it was wrong of me. in the process others got
hurt. my mistake. "put up or give up". You can put up with it ; or give up on it.
Your call.
Jan 6, 2009
7:21 PM
Sometimes I think to myself why me? Staying true to others even when they don't deserve it, or aren't the best candidate for my compassion. Yet, some time goes by and those same others seem to prove themselves unsuitable for my appreciation... but why me? If someone treats you with respect ; why wouldn't you feel compelled to treat them with the same integrity? I used to be a rude kid. "Brat" was my childhood name going from junior high to highschool. The name followed, and the attitude behind it followed. I got into multiple fights; & I used to wonder. Why me? Well duh, stupid, living up to your name or being labeled because others see your behaviour, its only normal that you play the roll out to the fullest... Men send me all kind of inappropriate messages on youtube & myspace. Why me?... Well if you're shaking your ass on camera "iLLest" what else are they supposed to think? Hmm, but that explains youtube, what about myspace? No matter how many ways I say it. Whether it be english or french. Whether I CAPS my letters, or leave it in plain view in regular font. No one ever wants to accept that I'm gay... Why me? Apparently because "Pretty girls shouldn't be gay". Well sorry. I didn't receive that memo, so I refuse to live by it now... Sometimes I get really impatient; even while holding conversations. I sit there thinking, "Are you kidding me? Just hurry up so we can get this over with". ha another... Why me moment. & How about when I put my trust in people who don't deserve it? I end up feeling the "heat"... Why me? ---// Well we have the opportunity to change those Why me moments. They don't exist all the time, because we don't let them arise all the time. So time to stop playing less superior to these other mangled personalities.
3:44 PM
foxxy's msn name is
ladies make sure you have a back up.
& this is why i love her.
i always run into these things when im feeling ; awkward about things.
♥♥foxxy♥♥
ladies make sure you have a back up.
& this is why i love her.
i always run into these things when im feeling ; awkward about things.
♥♥foxxy♥♥
Jan 5, 2009
7:39 PM
the newest edition to the wishlist.
[should have it by may]
Key features
-24.6 MP 35mm format full-frame CMOS sensor (highest res in class)
-SteadyShot INSIDE full frame image sensor shift stabilization (world first)
-High Speed Dual Bionz processors
-Eye-level glass Penta-prism OVF, 100% coverage, 0.74x magnification
-9 point AF with 10 assist points, center dual-cross AF w/2.8 sensor
-5 frames per second burst, newly developed mirror box
Intelligent Preview Function
-3 User programmable custom memory modes on mode dial
-Advanced Dynamic Range Optimizer (5 step selectable)
-40 segment honeycomb metering
-3.0" 921K pixel Photo Quality (270 dpi) LCD display, 100% coverage
-Direct HDMI output
-ISO 200-3200 (ISO 100-6400 expanded range)
-User interchangeable focusing screens (3 options)
-CF Type I/II and MS slots, LI-ION battery, STAMINA 880 shots
-Weight 850g (without battery, card, accs)
-New Image Data Converter SR software (includes vignetting control)
-New Vertical Grip
-Supplied with wireless remote control
-Magnesium Alloy body and rubber seals for dust and moisture resistance
-AF micro adjustment
-$2999.99 body price; available late October 2008
2:52 PM
I don't have a lot of friends
&* sometimes I have to wonder
Is it cash they see when they look at me
Cause they're looking for a ride that's free
So I made the choice to be
Good to those who were good to me
- mary j. blige
-------
anything that i want i can buy it; thats why i always keep bad women beside me; i got something that they need; i got something that they want; i got something that they need; Call me the supplier.
-------
♥♥♥♥
so she questioned the fact that my screen name said. "I love someone very cruel". Fully knowing I was speaking of her; maybe it was just the shock that I used the word love; rather than saying what I normally do. "I care. I rather not explain what I meant by the phrase, but here we go... I care a great deal. & I love her as an individual... anyway hun get better soon.
-------
please excuse me while i go back to graphic designing. I need to work on putting together my gallery anyhow. Catch me if you can.
&* sometimes I have to wonder
Is it cash they see when they look at me
Cause they're looking for a ride that's free
So I made the choice to be
Good to those who were good to me
- mary j. blige
-------
anything that i want i can buy it; thats why i always keep bad women beside me; i got something that they need; i got something that they want; i got something that they need; Call me the supplier.
-------
♥♥♥♥
so she questioned the fact that my screen name said. "I love someone very cruel". Fully knowing I was speaking of her; maybe it was just the shock that I used the word love; rather than saying what I normally do. "I care. I rather not explain what I meant by the phrase, but here we go... I care a great deal. & I love her as an individual... anyway hun get better soon.
-------
please excuse me while i go back to graphic designing. I need to work on putting together my gallery anyhow. Catch me if you can.
-iLLest.
Jan 4, 2009
12:53 AM
it seems like in the matter of minutes something tragic happens
to people on my messenger list ; & you know how people love to
broadcast things in their msn names. i swear i was just speaking
to her and now she's "very sick in the hospital" like whats going
on ; really? argg . see that's why she should just hurry up and come
home. . . i swear i been missing her like crazy. ---- SHE* just happens
to be a friend. but i still miss her; & hoping she's alright & she
gets better and still comes home tomorrow.
------
ERRR!. whats really odd is those phone calls asking me to be her girl...
they keep coming from out of the blue ; she's being very persistent,
an A! for effort ; but being financially secure & unhappy isn't what i'm looking for
Women. Women. Women. can't live with them can't live without 'em!
its funny that the woman that i asked to call me back hasn't;
but every other hoochie has. urgh. headache!*
i think its bed time
------
[happy 13th birthday to my neice]
to people on my messenger list ; & you know how people love to
broadcast things in their msn names. i swear i was just speaking
to her and now she's "very sick in the hospital" like whats going
on ; really? argg . see that's why she should just hurry up and come
home. . . i swear i been missing her like crazy. ---- SHE* just happens
to be a friend. but i still miss her; & hoping she's alright & she
gets better and still comes home tomorrow.
------
ERRR!. whats really odd is those phone calls asking me to be her girl...
they keep coming from out of the blue ; she's being very persistent,
an A! for effort ; but being financially secure & unhappy isn't what i'm looking for
Women. Women. Women. can't live with them can't live without 'em!
its funny that the woman that i asked to call me back hasn't;
but every other hoochie has. urgh. headache!*
i think its bed time
------
[happy 13th birthday to my neice]
Jan 2, 2009
1:13 PM
&* my head keeps spinnin'. It's gettin' outta control.
I'm backin down this time. I don't wanna fight. I don't care who's right.
Cuz, I'm wrong when you're gone, When you're gone.
------
so it's no secret that i adrore keri hilson.
she just started popping up everywhere no matter how many time they pushed her album release date back. This particular track comes in a few different versions. Like, JLo, & this other chick Melissa Jimenez. Keri's & Melissa's merge is hot.
------
<3 illest
------
11:16 AM
move ; i know you want to
it makes me want to "move" too
------
it makes me want to work out non stop
I can't wait til D gets back from Montreal
my little work out buddy.
------
i woke up this morning. Sun glaring in my eyes.
Other than a slight headache I'm at peace. At peace
with the world & with myself. I'll be in Toronto for
a few minutes. Then back home. Catch yall later.
Time to get a move on.
-iLLest.
1:50 AM
. . . . January 1st two thousand & shine*
my first entry of the new year. Well shoot.
Want to get technical its the Second of the month
it's 1:50am, Just got back inside. . . . . . Been out
for a minute. Signed on msn messenger ; & urgh
let me just say; I don't like attention seeking hoes.
but much love to foxxy; she keeps me sane
--------
humble
--------
humble