I remember speaking to my mother, and she asked me... "Where did you lose yourself?" I don't even think I gave the question any thought, but as I sit here quarter to 5 in the morning I've come to realize that I only co-exist in my body. I have a head on my shoulders, and although I have not continued to post secondary education just as yet. I am well educated. I am not a sheep, I lead my own way. I have plans, so getting caught up in other people's negative acts is totally unacceptable. I can admit to myself that I've lost myself somewhere down the line. Maybe it was the day I met her. Maybe it was within the plans of being happy and building a home with her. Or maybe I just didn't recover from the bad break up with him...

I don't know, but as I sit here and type this, with every blink of the eye tears form. I know it's healthy to cry, but I've been holding everything in. From the disrespectful insults she spat at me. From the face of an individual who caused chaos in my relationship. Or from the uneducated, roommate spreading tales, to heighten her self esteem. To me sitting in the dark typing this entry. Yet they won't fall. I've tried so hard to restrain myself from becoming who I once was as an adolescent, no one wants to get hurt, but sometimes I get this unremarkable evil glare in my eyes. One in which destruction follows. I don't want to be the person that hurts people. I want karma to take it's own form in the universe and have it deal with the individuals, but once my adrenaline starts pumping, it's hard to stop. So maybe once I take the time and let all my frustration out, and just focus on my goals for the rest of the year & then I'll be good. I really do hope so. I can't stand feeling unhappy & incomplete, because no matter how much I go out and try to take my mind off of things. I still end up in the same place. In the dark thinking about where I lost myself. Someone hand me a GPS, I don't want to be lost anymore.

I've spent so much time loving her, being there for them. Helping them, and not giving myself all of what I needed. I love me, and I need to show ME, some more love. On my journey of finding myself. & Once I've gotten there. I'll be switching titles but for now Walk with me.

Labels: deep, emotional, fighter, frustrated, insight, journey